I got a chance to visit with a friend of mine today. She is a new mom, a very new mom. It turns out that the reason I had not been able to visit before now was because she was feeling very overwhelmed. During my short visit, I discovered that she was not feeling like she was being a natural mom. What I mean is that she thought she would be better at this new mom thing. She was not getting enough sleep and she was worried that she was not producing enough breast milk or getting the system down or... She shut out those who could help her because she thought she was the only mom to have had these types of struggles!
So this post is dedicated to all those new moms who think that there is something wrong with them if they needed as an epidural for delivery instead of "sucking it up" and working through the pain, for those who did not breastfeed easily (they have lactation specialists for a reason) and needed to work through a few weeks of tears to get it right, and for those who are so bone tired they fall asleep while rocking the baby. This is for you.
Let's be honest, things are different today. One hundred years ago, for the most part, women were home, taking care of the children. Today, women are expected to be part of the household income. Now, not only are we mothers, housekeepers, wives, but we are also income providers. We are expected to do everything our foremothers did, but now, we must also maintain a career! Is there any wonder we feel overwhelmed at times? In this economy, it is not unusual for mom to be the breadwinner of the home, with all the stresses of maintaining that career, plus all of the stresses of the home. Is it any wonder we feel guilty?
Media does not help. We see these amazing moms on TV, in magazines and on the internet, and we wonder why we can not be like them. There is a reason why they are newsworthy, because they are not the norm! If we were all like those supermoms, then they would not make the news. One of the important things to remember about the supermoms is that they have support. They are married to someone wealthy, they have a nanny, they have grandmoms living nearby, they have a super supportive spouse, they have older children who are helping, or they have a person who comes in to clean the house; what ever it is, most moms do not have that right combination of support to be a supermom. So give yourself a break.
Newborns, babies and toddlers take a lot of energy to care for. Period. With newborns, you are tired because the hormones are out of whack and because of the feeding schedule. If you are breastfeeding, it is very tiring; lactating takes energy, and getting up in the middle of the night, each night, wears you out. I know it is hard to get a husband to be involved in this (he does not lactate); but there is nothing wrong with him taking on a new duty to give you back some of that lost time. He can take the baby for a ride in the car so you can sleep, or take a shower, or any tiny little luxury so you can recharge. If you are a second-time mom, and you have a toddler too, the exhaustion gets worse. I wish I could say it gets better soon, but the truth is, you will not get a real break until they are toddlers, and then it is not really a break, it is just a deep breath.
It is also okay not to like your children sometimes. Think about it: do you like your husband, co-workers, parents- anyone- 100% of the time? No. It does not mean you do not love them, it just means, at that moment, you do not like them. If it goes on for a few days, now, that is something to worry about, but once and a while, it is okay to have that feeling. What you do about that feeling is what is important. But don't feel guilty that you had the feeling, because it will just make you more tired and more depressed. You are human; yes you are a mom, but you are human, with a full range of emotions. Having the emotion- and not acting upon it- is fine. There is not a supermom-fairy watching you, and listening to your thoughts, who is keeping a report card on you. So give yourself a break.
Being a mom is tough. Don't be tough on yourself. Ask for help. If you get overwhelmed, reach out for help. If you do not have the supportive spouse or grandparent nearby, ask your friends for a little help. Now, everyday is pushing it, but a true friend will lend a hand. Give back some of that time later to show your gratitude because he/she may need the break too. You may not have a TV show or a magazine article written about you, but you are not a failure. You are human, maybe superhuman because you are a mom, but still a human.
You will be okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment