I know this seems like a random post, but those who know me, and where I live, will understand.
The scenic and bucolic landscape of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania is really a myth perpetuated by the local tourist bureau. While there are some areas in which one can drive on back roads surrounded by a lush landscape and the occasional Amish buggy; the reality is that we have traffic like New York City and LA. Oh sure, on a Sunday afternoon you can get caught in an Amish buggy traffic jam on South Rte 896, but contrary to what some cable stations would have you believe, there is more to Lancaster than the Amish; and while we do not have the number of cars either of those two major cities boast, we have allowed our roads to be clogged.
How did this come to pass?
I'm glad you asked! We have single lane roads, by- passes, and limited access expressways that seem to be perpetually under construction. In fact, there is a joke in PA: there are two seasons here- under construction and not. Recently Lancaster City was privileged to have not one, not two, but three bridges under construction at the same time! (We only have four major ones north and south of the city) This meant that driving anywhere in the city was a major endeavor. But, it gets better, while one of the bridges was under construction- with all its lane closures and back logs occurring- adjacent to the traffic clogged intersection just before the bridge, the city approved a new building to be built! The building was needed and it serves a fantastic purpose, but did it need to be constructed at the same time as the bridge 50 yards away was causing such chaos? But just like the info-commercials of the 90's- wait there's more! While the two southern bridges- the main entrance and exit of the city for those who live south of the city- were being repaired, the Lititz Pike bridge was being replaced. Oh, but that area had already lived through a redo of the train station the previous year, surely there was no need for more construction? Of course there were other ways into the city from the south, there is Rte 324 that parallels Willow Street Pike and the Conestoga River, but that too apparently needed to be closed for a week to repair drain pipes... deep sigh.
Now, lest the east and west lanes of traffic feel left out, there were multiple buildings under construction in the city along those major routes with their subsequent lane closures. One would have to wonder how anyone could get to work on time or at all. The worst part of most of the construction is that we did not necessarily improve the roads. We improved the bridges and we paved the roads, but when a double lane meets a single lane, there is gridlock. And don't start me on Rte 30 traffic!
I am not one of those people who does not like progress, I enjoy seeing the City (not New York, Lancaster) get a little spit and polish. I do think that we need to realize that people live here, and work here and that, while nice, the tourist only seem to come to this area for a few things and during certain seasons. The powers to be need to realize that having the whole City under construction meant that those tourists who visited us would have been stuck in that same backlog on their way out to see the Amish buggies and Outlets- and they might not come back.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Lessons to be learned
Now that my pity party is over, I feel like I can move forward. Last week was a tough week for me. I did not interact with most people and I stayed home. I had a few friends reach out to me and offered a shoulder to cry on and I stayed home. I cried, I slept, and I stayed home.
Once I got over the initial feelings of hopelessness, I realized I could wallow in despair or I could learn from this process. Heck, I would be teaching myself some important lessons; or should I say reteaching myself. I have learned and forgotten many of these lessons. Maybe now I will retain them.
I am big on lists, it is how I organize my thoughts, so if you have read my other blog posts you know I almost always have a list. So here is my list of lessons I am relearning from this experience:
1. Value what you have
Immediately after my last blog, I read other blogs about those who have lost everything. I read news reports of families who lost all their children in accidents. I read about the complete destruction of everything they held valuable. Who am I to complain about my life? Well, I am me and it is okay for me to complain about it. Just because my life is not more horrible does not make it less bearable. I am having a hard time right now, it is hard to deal with, and I am struggling with my new reality. People losing everything made me realize what I have, what was important, and how all was not lost; however, I am struggling being thankful for my life right now. Losing everything will not change my struggle today because that is what my struggle is: trying not to lose everything. What reading those stories did do was give me perspective. I had not stopped to value what I have in my life. I was going through the motions of living the life I thought I should be living instead of living the life I needed to be living.
2. Appreciate your family
I did something that I have not done for a long time, I played Uno with my family. We played round after round, and it was the most fun we have had in a long time. It was hilarious listening to the comments made by my husband and children after I got them with a Draw 2 or a Skip. We lost track of time. It made me think about all the missed chances I have had to simply enjoy my family. Am I the best mom? No. Are my children perfect little angels? No. But we are family and we need to spend more time playing together and enjoying our time spent. I will never get this time back again, so if you come to my house and it is not clean, well, I got lost in in an Uno game instead.
3. appreciate your friends
I would love to be the kind of person who has loads of friends and enjoys going out to party, but that is not me. I have a few very close friends, a few good friends, a few friends, and the rest are people I am friendly with. The layers are important. I would never ask a friend something I would ask a good friend, and I would never ask a good friend what a very close friend would just share without asking. For those who have met me and think I am out-going, it is a front. I am friendly but guarded. I am not going to let you into my life easily. Those who are very close friends have been there through many trials and tribulations. Those who are good friends are those who may not have been in my life long enough to earn that trust. It is my protective layering that keeps me from burning out. I have a hard time telling others no; my close friends tell me to slow down. I appreciate my friendship layers because all my friends provide valuable filters to the obstacles in life. After posting on my blog, I found out which of my good friends are really very close friends. I am not going to punish others for not calling or texting, everyone has their own lives, but it is good to know that I have more closer friends than I thought.
4. Organize yourself
One of the most important lessons I can learn may be to be better organized. What does that have to do with spending less? Well, after going through the pantry, I discovered that I had more of a particular cereal than I thought and there was no need to buy more. By going through the deep freezer, the pantry and the refrigerator, I discovered that we could live off of the food I had already purchased for at least two months. Will it be the most varied diet ever? No, but it was important to know that my family will not starve, I don't have that worry on my mind. Additionally, due to a friend of mine with a son a little older than my own, I have enough hand-me-downs to last at least until next summer, maybe longer. I don't have to buy a thing for Ben to be ready for school. Mimi will need a few things, but she is finally into the size of clothing that another friend gave me. I went through my closet and discovered that I had been keeping stained, damaged, or just plain ugly clothing; it all went. Now I know what I need to maintain a professional appearance: two white blouses. When going through school supplies, I discovered I had almost all that I need for the upcoming school year, so I should be able to hit a few sales and not spend a fortune now getting ready.
5. Accept help
I don't know which lesson is the hardest to learn, this one or the next, but I do know is that I am horrible at it. I am Miss Independence, hear me roar! So reaching out to others to ask for help is humbling and hard to do. I swat away help that is offered, can you imagine me asking for it? Me? Well, I have asked for help. It was mostly setting up payment plans and such, but that is hard to do. I know some people have no problem, but I internalize this as a failure. I don't want to be a failure, I want to be a success, but what does that mean? If a millionaire misses out on a golden opportunity, does that mean she is a failure? No, she is already a millionaire, so she has already had success. I have been successful, this is just a hiccup in life.
6. Be kind to yourself
The hardest lesson of all. I spent a week beating myself up. I pouted over missing my high school class reunion (my 25th), my inability to see this coming on, my lack of planning, my poor organization skills, my laziness, etc... It didn't take away the pain; it only made me more depressed. What our internal dialogue does to us is far more detrimental than any bully. When we beat ourselves up, it does nothing to improve our situation, it merely acts a stumbling block. So I decided to think about what makes me happy, mentally got rid of those items that cost money (no trip to England!), and decided to do at least one thing a day that makes me happy. Yesterday it was make blueberry jam. Today it was sleep in. Tomorrow it will be something unplanned, maybe a hike with the children.
Now if you will excuse me, I have an Uno game to get back to...
Once I got over the initial feelings of hopelessness, I realized I could wallow in despair or I could learn from this process. Heck, I would be teaching myself some important lessons; or should I say reteaching myself. I have learned and forgotten many of these lessons. Maybe now I will retain them.
I am big on lists, it is how I organize my thoughts, so if you have read my other blog posts you know I almost always have a list. So here is my list of lessons I am relearning from this experience:
1. Value what you have
Immediately after my last blog, I read other blogs about those who have lost everything. I read news reports of families who lost all their children in accidents. I read about the complete destruction of everything they held valuable. Who am I to complain about my life? Well, I am me and it is okay for me to complain about it. Just because my life is not more horrible does not make it less bearable. I am having a hard time right now, it is hard to deal with, and I am struggling with my new reality. People losing everything made me realize what I have, what was important, and how all was not lost; however, I am struggling being thankful for my life right now. Losing everything will not change my struggle today because that is what my struggle is: trying not to lose everything. What reading those stories did do was give me perspective. I had not stopped to value what I have in my life. I was going through the motions of living the life I thought I should be living instead of living the life I needed to be living.
2. Appreciate your family
I did something that I have not done for a long time, I played Uno with my family. We played round after round, and it was the most fun we have had in a long time. It was hilarious listening to the comments made by my husband and children after I got them with a Draw 2 or a Skip. We lost track of time. It made me think about all the missed chances I have had to simply enjoy my family. Am I the best mom? No. Are my children perfect little angels? No. But we are family and we need to spend more time playing together and enjoying our time spent. I will never get this time back again, so if you come to my house and it is not clean, well, I got lost in in an Uno game instead.
3. appreciate your friends
I would love to be the kind of person who has loads of friends and enjoys going out to party, but that is not me. I have a few very close friends, a few good friends, a few friends, and the rest are people I am friendly with. The layers are important. I would never ask a friend something I would ask a good friend, and I would never ask a good friend what a very close friend would just share without asking. For those who have met me and think I am out-going, it is a front. I am friendly but guarded. I am not going to let you into my life easily. Those who are very close friends have been there through many trials and tribulations. Those who are good friends are those who may not have been in my life long enough to earn that trust. It is my protective layering that keeps me from burning out. I have a hard time telling others no; my close friends tell me to slow down. I appreciate my friendship layers because all my friends provide valuable filters to the obstacles in life. After posting on my blog, I found out which of my good friends are really very close friends. I am not going to punish others for not calling or texting, everyone has their own lives, but it is good to know that I have more closer friends than I thought.
4. Organize yourself
One of the most important lessons I can learn may be to be better organized. What does that have to do with spending less? Well, after going through the pantry, I discovered that I had more of a particular cereal than I thought and there was no need to buy more. By going through the deep freezer, the pantry and the refrigerator, I discovered that we could live off of the food I had already purchased for at least two months. Will it be the most varied diet ever? No, but it was important to know that my family will not starve, I don't have that worry on my mind. Additionally, due to a friend of mine with a son a little older than my own, I have enough hand-me-downs to last at least until next summer, maybe longer. I don't have to buy a thing for Ben to be ready for school. Mimi will need a few things, but she is finally into the size of clothing that another friend gave me. I went through my closet and discovered that I had been keeping stained, damaged, or just plain ugly clothing; it all went. Now I know what I need to maintain a professional appearance: two white blouses. When going through school supplies, I discovered I had almost all that I need for the upcoming school year, so I should be able to hit a few sales and not spend a fortune now getting ready.
5. Accept help
I don't know which lesson is the hardest to learn, this one or the next, but I do know is that I am horrible at it. I am Miss Independence, hear me roar! So reaching out to others to ask for help is humbling and hard to do. I swat away help that is offered, can you imagine me asking for it? Me? Well, I have asked for help. It was mostly setting up payment plans and such, but that is hard to do. I know some people have no problem, but I internalize this as a failure. I don't want to be a failure, I want to be a success, but what does that mean? If a millionaire misses out on a golden opportunity, does that mean she is a failure? No, she is already a millionaire, so she has already had success. I have been successful, this is just a hiccup in life.
6. Be kind to yourself
The hardest lesson of all. I spent a week beating myself up. I pouted over missing my high school class reunion (my 25th), my inability to see this coming on, my lack of planning, my poor organization skills, my laziness, etc... It didn't take away the pain; it only made me more depressed. What our internal dialogue does to us is far more detrimental than any bully. When we beat ourselves up, it does nothing to improve our situation, it merely acts a stumbling block. So I decided to think about what makes me happy, mentally got rid of those items that cost money (no trip to England!), and decided to do at least one thing a day that makes me happy. Yesterday it was make blueberry jam. Today it was sleep in. Tomorrow it will be something unplanned, maybe a hike with the children.
Now if you will excuse me, I have an Uno game to get back to...
Thursday, July 31, 2014
No longer a part of the economy
It finally happened, the day I have been running from for years, the day that I have done everything in my power to avoid has finally occurred: I am no longer able to contribute to the economy. I am not going to the movies, eating out, buying clothing, going on vacations, socializing, or adding money (beyond buying gasoline and basic groceries) to the local economy. On paper I am middle class, but the reality is I am barely hanging on.
How did this happen? I thought you were a teacher? I thought you were a professional? What did you do with all that money? All valid questions. I will attempt to answer them and not make this into a giant pity party. As a teacher, I have seen my costs go up while my take home has not. I recently got another job, but it is not enough. I accept my role in this, but it would have been easier if things were not stacked against success. If it was not for my parents, I am sure that I would be worse off and not hanging on at all.
The truth is I was terrible at money management when I was younger (and so was my husband apparently), I believed that I would always make enough money to pay my bills and if one job did not work, then I would get two or three jobs. At one point I had four jobs, but that was before children. I would not be in my current financial position if I did not have children, but I would also not have the only sources of daily joy either, so I am not willing to give them up or rewrite my history to exclude them.
There are several important factors to my situation:
1. student loan debt
The student loan debt held by many around my age is a true crisis in America. There are thousands of us out there who do not qualify for loan forgiveness, breaks in percentage paid, or help in anyway. Remember how all the banks got super low interest rates so they wouldn't fail? I can't get a lower rate and I can't refi my loan now due to my creditworthiness which was destroyed by my student loans. My loan has doubled since I took it out; compound interest will do that to you. Hey, I never claimed to be a math whiz! When I graduated from college, I entered the work force when the Baby Boomers were just hitting their stride; there were no jobs. I worked multiple jobs, but never made enough to pay on my student loan that just got deferred or a forbearance until I was in a better financial situation. When I got my teaching job, I thought I would have more time to start paying back, so I tackled credit card debt and then looked into loan forgiveness programs. I was "lucky" enough to have my first student loan discharged six months before the beginning of one loan forgiveness program's start date so none of my loans would be forgiven. I work at a title one school so another program said they could get me loan forgiveness for working there; however I needed to have applied for it in the first five years of teaching. The program didn't exist in the first five years, so no dice. Another program allows for forgiveness of my loan after 10 years of on time payments, but I missed out on this almost immediately because my loan was sold to another company without my knowledge and I was already two months behind before I realized that my deferments had expired. So now I am in debt rehab where I must spend money I do not have to get the nearly $20,000 of fees they added to my loan removed. I will spend 10 months doing this and in the end be back down to the amount of money I started at, the thousands of dollars I have paid in going only to finance charges. The best part is that now that I have been rehabbed, the amount I must pay back each month will be based on 15% of my gross income which will result in an even higher amount than what I am paying now. But hey, it will be a weight loss opportunity since I don't qualify for food stamps but will not be able to buy food either.
2. daycare
I must have daycare for my son. He is not of age to go to public school so he must go to a full-time daycare that will accommodate his severe auto-immune condition. Again, I do not qualify for anything, so I will be paying $145 a week for his care. The good thing is that they will feed him so my food bill will be lower. The daycare has been very understanding of my situation and has allowed me to get behind and then caught up every so often with my bill, and did I mention they will feed my son at no additional cost?
3. family members with severe food allergies/ conditions needing specialized food
My son has Eosinophilic Esophogitis (EoE) which is a severe autoimmune disorder making him allergic to most food. There is a special formula he must drink, but he has been having trouble with it lately so I switched to one he could digest better but the insurance will not cover it. My food bill is 50% higher than others with the same family size because specialized food and formula is much more expensive. For example, a loaf of bread that is half the size of regular bread cost $8 a loaf, but it is one that he can eat, so I buy it. My daughter and I must eat gluten free and my husband is diabetic with Grave's disease. I went grocery shopping the other day and spent $200 on basics that would have been less than $100 for those without food issues.
4. increased cost of health insurance
One of the ways we had hoped to cut costs was to have my husband's company pick him up on their heath insurance, but then he started losing weight and we had to get loads of tests done. My insurance would have covered it all, his does not. We now have almost $500 worth of medical bills to pay (and growing), but I know it could have been worse. My district also increased the cost of my insurance because I have a family plan, but if I did not have the insurance, my son's condition would have bankrupted us a year ago. Any savings we got from my husband changing insurance has been eaten up in the lack of coverage that we must now pay.
5. the electric company's winter gouging
Last winter when the polar vortex hit, the cost of electricity sky rocketed, but only for those who went with another provider besides the local company who has great lawyers so I will not mention them by name. Those who did not shop around continued to pay a low rate, those who had tried to save a little money and went with another company, had electric bills nearly 5 times higher. My bill went from $150 to $550 in one month even though I used less electricity than the previous month. I tried to switch it back but there is this wonderful law in PA that prevents you from being able to switch back any sooner than 40 days. When it was all said and done, two months of electricity cost over $1,000. Calling the PUC didn't help, where others were given help (mostly the elderly, which is fine) those of us who were not on a fixed income were not given a break. If I could figure out how to get off the grid for no additional money, I would. There is a solar power company that does install for free, but they do not operate in this part of the world.
6. credit card debt
I admit it, I used credit cards too freely in the past. I don't use them at all now, but I am struggling to make minimum payments at all. I can't even get a consolidated loan, my credit is destroyed. On the bright side, NO ONE will steal my identity!
7. extended family care
This is perhaps the biggest drain on my family. I have had so many surprise bills related to my husband's family. Andy took on bills from his father's estate, for his mom now that she is in a nursing home, and his brother. By him, I mean us. Time and time again we have been faced with a bill that we did not know existed. Right now I am looking at about $2,000 worth of bills that are at a critical point for non-payment that were not shared until now. It is because of these bills I am sitting here typing. There is no where to go, no more juggling to do. I am damned if I do or don't.
Thank you for reading my cautionary tale. It is how a well educated professional can no longer contribute to the economy, the American Dream no longer within reach. At least we don't have debtor prisons in the United States, yet.
How did this happen? I thought you were a teacher? I thought you were a professional? What did you do with all that money? All valid questions. I will attempt to answer them and not make this into a giant pity party. As a teacher, I have seen my costs go up while my take home has not. I recently got another job, but it is not enough. I accept my role in this, but it would have been easier if things were not stacked against success. If it was not for my parents, I am sure that I would be worse off and not hanging on at all.
The truth is I was terrible at money management when I was younger (and so was my husband apparently), I believed that I would always make enough money to pay my bills and if one job did not work, then I would get two or three jobs. At one point I had four jobs, but that was before children. I would not be in my current financial position if I did not have children, but I would also not have the only sources of daily joy either, so I am not willing to give them up or rewrite my history to exclude them.
There are several important factors to my situation:
1. student loan debt
The student loan debt held by many around my age is a true crisis in America. There are thousands of us out there who do not qualify for loan forgiveness, breaks in percentage paid, or help in anyway. Remember how all the banks got super low interest rates so they wouldn't fail? I can't get a lower rate and I can't refi my loan now due to my creditworthiness which was destroyed by my student loans. My loan has doubled since I took it out; compound interest will do that to you. Hey, I never claimed to be a math whiz! When I graduated from college, I entered the work force when the Baby Boomers were just hitting their stride; there were no jobs. I worked multiple jobs, but never made enough to pay on my student loan that just got deferred or a forbearance until I was in a better financial situation. When I got my teaching job, I thought I would have more time to start paying back, so I tackled credit card debt and then looked into loan forgiveness programs. I was "lucky" enough to have my first student loan discharged six months before the beginning of one loan forgiveness program's start date so none of my loans would be forgiven. I work at a title one school so another program said they could get me loan forgiveness for working there; however I needed to have applied for it in the first five years of teaching. The program didn't exist in the first five years, so no dice. Another program allows for forgiveness of my loan after 10 years of on time payments, but I missed out on this almost immediately because my loan was sold to another company without my knowledge and I was already two months behind before I realized that my deferments had expired. So now I am in debt rehab where I must spend money I do not have to get the nearly $20,000 of fees they added to my loan removed. I will spend 10 months doing this and in the end be back down to the amount of money I started at, the thousands of dollars I have paid in going only to finance charges. The best part is that now that I have been rehabbed, the amount I must pay back each month will be based on 15% of my gross income which will result in an even higher amount than what I am paying now. But hey, it will be a weight loss opportunity since I don't qualify for food stamps but will not be able to buy food either.
2. daycare
I must have daycare for my son. He is not of age to go to public school so he must go to a full-time daycare that will accommodate his severe auto-immune condition. Again, I do not qualify for anything, so I will be paying $145 a week for his care. The good thing is that they will feed him so my food bill will be lower. The daycare has been very understanding of my situation and has allowed me to get behind and then caught up every so often with my bill, and did I mention they will feed my son at no additional cost?
3. family members with severe food allergies/ conditions needing specialized food
My son has Eosinophilic Esophogitis (EoE) which is a severe autoimmune disorder making him allergic to most food. There is a special formula he must drink, but he has been having trouble with it lately so I switched to one he could digest better but the insurance will not cover it. My food bill is 50% higher than others with the same family size because specialized food and formula is much more expensive. For example, a loaf of bread that is half the size of regular bread cost $8 a loaf, but it is one that he can eat, so I buy it. My daughter and I must eat gluten free and my husband is diabetic with Grave's disease. I went grocery shopping the other day and spent $200 on basics that would have been less than $100 for those without food issues.
4. increased cost of health insurance
One of the ways we had hoped to cut costs was to have my husband's company pick him up on their heath insurance, but then he started losing weight and we had to get loads of tests done. My insurance would have covered it all, his does not. We now have almost $500 worth of medical bills to pay (and growing), but I know it could have been worse. My district also increased the cost of my insurance because I have a family plan, but if I did not have the insurance, my son's condition would have bankrupted us a year ago. Any savings we got from my husband changing insurance has been eaten up in the lack of coverage that we must now pay.
5. the electric company's winter gouging
Last winter when the polar vortex hit, the cost of electricity sky rocketed, but only for those who went with another provider besides the local company who has great lawyers so I will not mention them by name. Those who did not shop around continued to pay a low rate, those who had tried to save a little money and went with another company, had electric bills nearly 5 times higher. My bill went from $150 to $550 in one month even though I used less electricity than the previous month. I tried to switch it back but there is this wonderful law in PA that prevents you from being able to switch back any sooner than 40 days. When it was all said and done, two months of electricity cost over $1,000. Calling the PUC didn't help, where others were given help (mostly the elderly, which is fine) those of us who were not on a fixed income were not given a break. If I could figure out how to get off the grid for no additional money, I would. There is a solar power company that does install for free, but they do not operate in this part of the world.
6. credit card debt
I admit it, I used credit cards too freely in the past. I don't use them at all now, but I am struggling to make minimum payments at all. I can't even get a consolidated loan, my credit is destroyed. On the bright side, NO ONE will steal my identity!
7. extended family care
This is perhaps the biggest drain on my family. I have had so many surprise bills related to my husband's family. Andy took on bills from his father's estate, for his mom now that she is in a nursing home, and his brother. By him, I mean us. Time and time again we have been faced with a bill that we did not know existed. Right now I am looking at about $2,000 worth of bills that are at a critical point for non-payment that were not shared until now. It is because of these bills I am sitting here typing. There is no where to go, no more juggling to do. I am damned if I do or don't.
Thank you for reading my cautionary tale. It is how a well educated professional can no longer contribute to the economy, the American Dream no longer within reach. At least we don't have debtor prisons in the United States, yet.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Returning to me
After taking well over a year to deal with major issues in my life, I have gotten back to being me. I was lost for a while in trying to be all things to all people, but now I realize that I need to be me first and allow the rest of my life to fall into place. Don't get me wrong, I have had some pretty amazing things happen to me in the last few months, but I was lost.
Let me explain a little. I have been struggling with trying to find balance in my life in the face of some major health challenges (I made a list because, well, I like them):
The balance I needed to create was tipped and then tipped again by trying to meet the needs of those around me while not listening to my own needs. Who out there doesn't want to be the best parent, the best employee, the best neighbor, the best child, the best sibling, well, just the best? I wanted to be the best so badly that I took on too much and failed to recognize when I wasn't giving my best to anything. I needed to assess my life, determine what was best for me and mine, and then move forward. I think I have begun that journey. The hardest will be dealing with the feeling I am letting others down. I don't like people to think I am selfish, so I over do everything. I am taking the summer to rediscover who I am or at least who I want to be. I know there will be times that I feel I have let others down, but I am also discovering that something that seemed so incredibly horrible to me, was just a minor blip on someone else's screen. I am not letting others down, nor am I letting myself down, when I take time for myself; I am being the best I can be.
Let me explain a little. I have been struggling with trying to find balance in my life in the face of some major health challenges (I made a list because, well, I like them):
- My son was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophogitis (EoE) on April 3, 2013 which meant that my family's already restricted diet arrangements were put to the test. My daughter and I cannot digest gluten, but my son was now unable to eat most food. His immune system attacks his esophagus in the presence of most foods. It has been extremely challenging meeting his digestive and nutritional needs while also making sure the rest of the family is eating well but not so well as to make my son jealous of what we can have that he cannot- he is four years old after all.
- At the same time I was hired as an adjunct professor at a local community college, the demands of being an urban high school teacher began taking its toll. So in the middle of trying to keep ahead of the issues surrounding my son's condition, the stress of my main teaching job caused my own health issues. I had to have my gall bladder removed in the beginning of November. For those who have never had gall stones and an inflamed gall bladder, let's just say that the pain I experienced giving birth to my daughter was manageable in comparison!
- Finally, the cherry on the top of the year was my husband's diagnosis of Graves disease. Although I am a little jealous of the weight loss the condition provides, I do not wish it on anyone else. Andy has lost a fair amount of weight in the last few months, had his diabetes numbers go crazy, and nearly caused a trip to a divorce lawyer because of the crazy mood swings he (and I) endured until the doctor figured it out. Now we just have to worry that the meds he takes with destroy his liver.
The balance I needed to create was tipped and then tipped again by trying to meet the needs of those around me while not listening to my own needs. Who out there doesn't want to be the best parent, the best employee, the best neighbor, the best child, the best sibling, well, just the best? I wanted to be the best so badly that I took on too much and failed to recognize when I wasn't giving my best to anything. I needed to assess my life, determine what was best for me and mine, and then move forward. I think I have begun that journey. The hardest will be dealing with the feeling I am letting others down. I don't like people to think I am selfish, so I over do everything. I am taking the summer to rediscover who I am or at least who I want to be. I know there will be times that I feel I have let others down, but I am also discovering that something that seemed so incredibly horrible to me, was just a minor blip on someone else's screen. I am not letting others down, nor am I letting myself down, when I take time for myself; I am being the best I can be.
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