The good, the bad, the ugly and the guilt trip

This week has been very stressful for me. At school we are in the middle of midterms which means students are a little more stressed than normal. Additionally, as an ESL teacher, I was called upon to assist the other ESL teachers in providing support for exams. I had to give up my planning period to do this. I do not usually do support during the day because I teach a full load of classes. Because of two days of giving up planning, I had to make sure that I pumped during my lunch. While I do this normally, having to do it in a short period of time meant that I was stressing getting it done. Therefore, milk production went down. I will have to work all weekend on getting it back up again.

Additionally, my children tag teamed me all this week when it was time to sleep. My daughter, MM, is really upset that her going to bed routine is being messed up by her "baby brudder." She joins me in the evening shushing because when he is in full colic, he is quite loud. MM now will not settle down to sleep quickly because the screaming keeps her from drifting off to sleep. Also, she is feeling cheated because I am no longer able to lay down beside her and read her three books like I used to. We used to have quiet time from 8 to 8:30 and she would be asleep in moments; now, I'm lucky if I get her to bed and asleep by 9 pm with one book read. She does not want to be in her bed, she wants to be in mine and she does not want me to get out of bed to take care of her brother BJ. So, I am really stressed right now because having a colicky baby and a 2 1/2 year old acting out is almost too much. I find myself getting really frustrated with MM behaving like a 2 year old. How dare she act her age! And then the guilt trip begins. She does not understand why BJ is crying and why I can not spend as much time with her and why I keep fussing at her when she touches her brother's head or tries to poke him in the eye. If I had more sleep, things would be better.

I know you would like to know where my husband is in all of this. Well, he does have the children all day, so I try to give him a break from time to time. But also, his brother is on dialysis three nights a week. His brother has already lost a leg due to his diabetes. Andy has to drive up to the Health Campus, pick up his brother, drive down to the southern-end of the county, drop him off, see if his mom needs anything since she is 80 years old and his brother lives with her, and then come back home. Therefore, he is watching the children all day, then must spend most evenings doing things for his mom and brother and then gets back quite late. Andy's sister does help with this duty every other week, so it is not all on us (I love her!), but this is still a huge stress on our family. So,I try to let him sleep as much as possible because as exhausting as my students are, they are not as exhausting as a newborn and 2 1/2 year old.

This week's bedtime routine fell into three categories: the good, the bad and the ugly. Tuesday night was the ugly. I did not get MM to bed until 10 pm and she got up every two hours until I finally allowed her into my bed. BJ kept MM up until 10 pm and then, in a move that would make the WWF proud, they tag teamed me all night. When MM was up, BJ was down; when BJ was up, MM was down. MM was not just awake and needing soothing, she was crying because I left her in her room alone. I had to spend 45 minutes with her to get her to calm down. BJ kept me up with his screaming until midnight. (I use Mylacon drops, with mixed results, but it does gain me a few minutes of quiet)I spent a large amount of time shushing, rocking, swinging and walking trying to get him to calm down. At one point, I found myself wide awake at 1 am, so I pumped since there was nothing else better to do; I could not sleep. I think that if you put it all together I got about three hours, but that is putting it all together.

The good was Wednesday. I think my children are trying to make me bipolar. As horrible as Tuesday night was, Wednesday was a dream. I got six hours of sleep, maybe more! Yes, six hours! I felt like I was as light as a butterfly for all of Thursday because I was so well rested. BJ was happy to sleep in the swing while I laid down with MM and read her books. She slept in her bed until 5 am and then I allowed her to come into our bed for the last two hours she was going to sleep (I was going to be up soon, so I did not care). BJ woke up only to be changed and to have a bottle. He had only one brief colic moment around 8 pm and that was that. Heaven!

The bad was last night. Not quite as bad as Tuesday, but pretty darn close. To make matters worse, Andy was put in charge of potty training duties yesterday, and they were less than positive. Before leaving for work, I put MM in big girl panties and brought the potty down from the upstairs bathroom so there was no excuse. Andy had to run an errand mid-day and did not think to put her in her pull-ups. By the time he got to where he was going, she was wet all the way up her chest. As I said, not that positive of an experience. MM was set up to be a clingy mess and she was. I did not even try to get her in her bed, I just put her in ours. I read two books while BJ was calm and then got MM settled enough so that I could rock BJ. My night was up with BJ, down for an hour, up with MM, down for an hour, up with Bj, and then down again. I gave up after 5 am. I did not get the chance to pump, so milk production was further hurt.

I will say that I am becoming addicted to two shows: Clean House and Hoarders. I feel so much better after watching those shows. As crazy as my life is and as messed up I think my house is, I am not so bad that I could be on either one of those shows! Hey, late night shows are really interesting.