Perhaps the greatest difficulty in being a working mom is the missing out on milestones. I work for two reasons: 1) I have to, and 2) because I would go insane staying home day-in and day-out. Don't get me wrong, I have a sister who is a stay-at-home mom, I don't know how she does it. I find it hard to be home that much. However, I do miss being home. Sounds crazy, but let me explain. I want to be home to see the milestones in BJ's life. I want to see him smile, roll over, crawl, etc...I want to be home with MM so that I can shape her into the respectful little girl I know she can be (instead of the terrible two she is becoming). When I am home, I need to do so many things that I can not enjoy being home with my children. When I am at work, taking care of others' children, all I can think about is how nice it would be to be home with my children. It is a self- imposed guilt trip, and, to some extent, a societal one as well. I recently read an article about moms in Germany. If you have children, you do not work outside of the home. If you do, you are a bad mom, leaving others to do your parenting. Although it is socially more acceptable to work outside the home here, we are still held to the same standard as German moms. We are "allowed" to work as long as we still do everything we would have done if we had not gone to work.
The other day, as I drove home from a particularly difficult work day, I called my mom to belly-ache about life in general. I got onto the subject of BJ and began crying. It was not fair that I had to go back to work so soon after giving birth, that I have cheated him of cuddle time, that maybe his digestive issues would go away faster if only I was there for him sooner. Additionally, MM, who has always been a good girl has discovered her inner demon and has become a child who must be watched carefully because she will get into trouble (especially around her brother). I wonder, if I had been able to stay home with them, would she be better behaved? Will I raise a daughter who is a bully? Will I raise a daughter who is so desperate for attention that she will do anything to get it? Will she feel loved enough? To add fuel to these feelings, last week on a day she did not have to go to daycare, as I was leaving, she said, "Mommy, don't go, stay here." Yes, I cried on my way to work. At home, my daughter loves me; at work, I am told to go F myself. It is really hard.
We are all there honey... it is an impossible balance. The working mom is a strong, tough multi-tasking, wonder woman. We are expected to do it all. It is a hard choice to decide whether to be the hard line mom who helps our children grow up to something other then future juvenile delinquents OR to be the loving, cuddling, fun person we want to be with them. Sometimes we are lucky enough to do both. Sometimes not. Be strong - we are all in same boat. Luv, G
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